So much has happened over the past couple of years since I last posted. It’s been a really rollercoaster over the past couple of years.
So last I left in January 2015 I was newly pregnant and everything was happy. We were due to have our third baby in September 2015. Then we had our first scan, I was about 13 weeks when it came around. It went well until we were told that there was excess fluid behind the baby’s neck. We were told to come back in a couple of days for a consultant appointment and another scan.
At the next scan the consultant confirmed the fluid behind the neck, he stated that he thought the fluid could mean either Turners Syndrome (only associated with girls) or a heart condition. He suggested doing either a CVS or an amniocentesis (CVS could be done straight away as my placenta was at the front, or amniocentesis in a week or so when I was further along). I always swore blind that I’d never had these tests done but in the moment we both decided to go for it as we’d like to know what we faced if baby was ill. The CVS was the worst thing I’ve ever felt, they could only numb part of me so I could feel the needle go into my womb and into the placenta and the jigging around to get the sample. After it was done he showed us our baby and that it was still moving happily etc. Then we were told it would be a few days for the results and had to leave still worried.
It was only about 2 days later that I got the phone call from the hospital. They confirmed that the results suggested that it wasn’t Turners as previously suggested and they’d also checked for Downs, Edwards and Patau Symdroms (trisomy 21, 18 and 13) and we were clear of them all. It was such a huge relief knowing that there wasn’t a big chromosomal problem. We were booked in for a follow up scan at 16 weeks to check baby’s heart.
We decided to announce our pregnancy on Mothering Sunday and share our happy news with our family and friends.
About 2 weeks later we went for the follow up scan at 16 weeks. It was all a bit hazy but I remember the consultant congratulating us over the results and asked if we knew the sex (he clearly did). Then I remember him saying “bollocks” over and over again, before telling us he was sorry to say we lost our baby. I had to ask him the sex of our baby to which he said it was a boy. It felt like he’d stuck a knife right into my heart. We were escorted straight into a side room to discuss our options. I had the choice of taking a pill to let it happen naturally, having the surgery to have him removed or being induced and going through labour to deliver him. After some discussion we both decided that the labour option would be best for us both. I was given a tablet to help the placenta detach and told to call the hospital in two days to go in (or sooner if anything changed).
Two days later on 26th March 2015 we were told to come into Gloucestershire Royal Hospital to be induced. Initially we had to wait around with other expectant mums which was a little hard but were quickly seen to our room. We were given a private suite room (including bathroom and mini kitchen/tv room). It was called the Snowdrop suite. We had doctors coming in to ask if we would like to have him cremated separately or in a communal cremation. We opted for separate so that we could have a little funeral for him etc. I was the put onto the bed and the induction process was started. It took 3 tablets to start off my contractions and even from there it took 3 hours, just over, for him to be delivered. It was by far my worst labour – my longest and knowing we couldn’t bring him home hurt like hell! My waters went and I was stuck to the toilet over a bedpan as they were very bloody. Then quickly after he came along. The midwife cut the cord and changed the bedpans over. Delivering the placenta was another issue, it wouldn’t detach from the wall and the midwife couldn’t get the cord as it was so small. It got to the point I was told I had 10 minutes to deliver the placenta before I would be taken to surgery. Luckily with a couple of minutes to spare I managed to push it out.
The next few minutes were awful. It took me a while to go and see him- the midwife had presented him in a little basket for us to see him. He looked the spitting image of his dad, same face shape and everything. It amazes me how developed he was being only 16 weeks. We had the vicar come to us and bless him- which broke me into pieces. I had remained so strong until that moment. Watching Jai see him and hold him was awful, seeing how upset he is was so painful- he hides his feelings so much that when he does break down on the very rare occasions it’s horrible. We had another midwife pop in to see us- she was the mum of a friend of ours and saw our names and came to see how we were doing, which was so lovely.
We eventually decided to leave and had my dad come to pick us up from the hospital. On the way out we got taken a back route to avoid all the happy new mums on delivery suite. However whilst waiting for the lift we saw and saw a brand new baby crying which was so awful and heartbreaking.
For a while after I felt so empty but we decided to jump straight into planning his funeral. We decided that it would be lovely to bury him with Jais mum as she was always desperate for Grandchildren, and I’d like to think he was up there with her anyway. He messaged Ali (Jais mums best friend) and Lace (Jais sister) about the decision and their reactions were so different. Ali thought it was lovely and a nice idea to do that, however Lace gave us hell. She claimed we were horrible people for “digging up her mum” and that we were heartless (and a few other names I won’t go into). She completely broke me, I had considered her like a best friend and thought we were close so did now expect this the day after I delivered my dead son. We continued with our plans regardless. (We actually had the grave slightly extended as it was a big lot).
Life then went on for a bit, we couldn’t have his funeral until the 13th April. In that time we had Peytons birthday. She turned 2 on April 3rd. We had a small party at our house for her and went out to All Things Wild for the day too. She had a great day and it was almost like none of the bad things had happened.
Lace continued to make our life hell- making me get kicked out of Time Out – it was apparently making things awkward for the other mums because she was being a bitch. I was gutted, at a time I needed them the most she was such a cow.
April 13th came along fast and we had a very small funeral for him- just close friends and family- Lace never showed up so clearly showing how she felt. It was a lovely little funeral for him and afterwards me, Jai, the girls, mum, dad, Pete and Jem went to Wetherspoons for some food- dad even paid for us all. My mum even got me a charm for Samuel to keep with me all the time.
The rest of April was a bit of a blur but we had a little Godson Kallum Born this month (my cousins son, she didn’t want to tel me that she had him initially as she was worried about upsetting me). Then we buried Samuel into his grave with his Nanny and Auntie on the 29th April.
We also bought a “new to us” car this month. A Vauxhall Zafira- our mondeo needed a new turbo that we couldn’t afford so got this instead.
May– we had a wedding of an old friend of mine to attend, which was a bit awkward as we knew hardly anyone there. We also spent some time rearranging the grave site and making it look a lot nicer. And we got to finally meet Kallum (tiny little dot as he was 6 ish weeks early). We also decided to start “trying” for another baby as soon as. Well we didn’t try as such but we didn’t prevent it happening.
June– not a lot significant happened. We celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary, and 6 years of dating- had a lovely massage for our date.
July– our first baby Kayleigh turned 5. We took her for a day trip to Cotswold Wildlife Park and she also had a princess party as well. We had a lovely time on the day out and had my brother and his wife and my best friend and her boyfriend (now husband) join us. It also involved the end of Kayleigh’s first year in school and her first sports day. Plus her very first Race for Life 5k run!
August– this is where Peytons potty training journey began and thankfully it wasn’t too stressful- she was practically changed in a week. We took a few day trips to Weston- super-mare and Evesham splash zone. Also this month we found out we were pregnant again. I remember feeling so scared and worried but also so happy and excited at the same time. I made a doctors appointment straight away to make sure they were aware after what happened earlier in the year. I remember the appointment like it was yesterday. The doctor told me to give him a urine sample, he tested it there and then saying it was negative- without giving it a time to show up. There was a faint line but he was reluctant to give me midwife information, but I got it from reception instead.
Me and the girls had more summer fun, we did a trail of the scrumpy tour of Gloucester and made cakes etc.
September – saw Kayleigh start Year 1 of Infant School. Also was what should have been Samuels due date, which was a little hard, luckily it was easier as I knew I was pregnant with our rainbow. I had my first midwife appointment too which was nice. I was out as consultant led this time due to the problems we had with Samuel.
October– we had our baby scan this month and all looks good- no problems could be seen and I was tested as low risk on the Down’s syndrome scale too. We officially announced our pregnancy in mid October with a pumpkin picture on Facebook.
The girls had a birthday party to do to and Peyton was very excited to meet Elsa too. For Halloween we took the girls to Over Farm for their event and Peyton even held a snake (with help from Jai)- Kayleigh wouldn’t go near it. We also went trick or treating around my parents area too.
November– we took the girls to watch the firework at the Racecourse for Bonfire Night and when they got home we treated them to sparklers too. The girls wrote letters to Santa. I had a trial babysitting Jai’s 2nd Mums Kids (who are basically the same age as my two!). And my best friend asked my girls to be flower girls for her wedding. She bought them a book called The Special Flower Girl and also got them some baskets and wands to practise with.
December- this year we had the introduction of the Elf on the Shelf (the naughty elf who does things overnight for the kids to see in the morning). He decorated the whole house ready for Christmas and we even got a special Bauble for Samuel to put on our tree. Kayleigh got her Rainbows uniform- ready for her first christingle. Also Jai got a new job as a Team Leader for Starbucks in MichaelWood Services. We also got to see the Coca Cola Truck from the Christmas Adverts. We got to see Kayleigh’s year1 play at school which was lovely 😊. We also had a visit to Santa’s Grotto. Then Christmas Eve spent in our usual way (new pjs and Christmas films all day). Christmas morning we opened all our presents from each other before going to my mums to exchange presents. Then we had a lovely lunch cooked by my parents and after we popped to my nans for a couple of hours so they could give the girls their presents. Then back to my mums for the evening. Boxing Day we spent the day at my nans and basically had a second Christmas with them. NYE was also spent at my mums with us staying round for the night. We played games and had a couple of drinks and welcomed in 2017.